Monday - Manic - Monday

Sometimes I think I seem too positive.  Let me make sure to lay it out there, I battle daily with my negative side.  My motivation and drive right now is "FITNESS RIDGE".  

Back in January when I started my journey, I was ready for my failure once again.  I have said I was going to lose weight so many times, my broken record was lying on deaf ears.  No one wants to hear how once again I am going to eat right and workout.  La-de-da!  Yeah right Cat, we have heard THAT before!

It is so easy to sound positive that you are going to make change, but inside there is that negative spurt just waiting to geyser over all my best laid out plans.  I have been doing this same thing for more years than I care to count.  Okay...I will count.  I have been battling this newest weight for 10 years!  I say newest weight, because dieting has been a lifelong thing for me.  The numbers were much smaller when I was much younger, but I have always watched my weight.  To be 145 pounds at 40 and to let myself grow to over 200 pounds was exactly what I did.


A few years ago my daughter coached me on losing with the help of her college degree in nutrition.  Both my husband Alan and myself followed her recommendations and saw significant weight loss.  I went from 204 to 182 with her help.  Then, I climbed up once again in 2 years to over 200 pounds.  I hid my disasters in the food department from her, but my body told no lies.

So what is going to make the difference this time?  I believe you have to find a place inside yourself, that does not want failure ANYMORE!  I have experienced the pain of trying to go up my stairs and feeling as though my muscles were giving up.  I have felt flutters in my heart that made me question heart attack.  I hear everyday my odds for getting so many diseases.  I do NOT want to be laying in a hospital bed some day saying "I could have prevented this." 

Eating whatever taste good, has been self gratification for my stresses in life.  I was raised to eat for comfort like so many Americans.  I even passed that a long to my own children.

One thing I am trying to change is that mindset of eating to gratify.  Because it is only a gratification at the moment.  I am looking at my life as calories in - calories out.  I have to look at it this way!  It keeps me going!!!  If I eat that 500 calorie dessert, how long do I have to work out so that it doesn't stay with me grabbing on to my belly and thighs?  Is it really worth it?

In the morning, am I happier that I ate it?  Or do I wake up feeling miserable?  Reading this, you know how I feel...I don't even want to get out of bed, and hell no I am NOT going to weigh myself!

What I do now, is I think about the morning after before I open my mouth for that 500 calorie dessert.
I have an opportunity to make my morning, is it going to be better or worse?  I try and remember other "morning afters" when I passed on the calories the night before.  It is easy to remember how good it felt waking up and saying...I survived!  I can get on the scale!!

That keeps me going.

Do I eat that 500 calorie dessert?  Of course I do!  Only, I take a bite and savor its flavor.  I let it wrestle in my mouth till it nearly dissolves.  Maybe I take 2 bites.  Sometimes, I might eat half a dessert.  I always joke when I eat the wrong thing, it only has 1/2 the calories because I only ate half!  I do allow myself to indulge, I have just learned how to indulge a little not a lot!!

I want my health back!  I do not want my children leaning over me in the hospital, knowing I could have prevented that.  I want to be a grandmother one day, I want to be a great-grandmother one day!

I want to enjoy the ocean by feeling comfortable in my bathing suit.  I want to climb to the top of that mountain to see what is on the other side.  I do not want to sit on the sidelines and watch my life pass me by.  I chant these things over and over to get me over my hurdles and to keep me going down the right path.

Moderation brings promise, and so many rewards.  I want to tuck my shirt in!  I want to undress in front of my husband, and even try out our double shower together!  I want to wear a sleeveless shirt and I want to feel sexy.   Moderation brings promise!

No one but me can make it come true.  I hold on to all my desires everyday.  I think of that when I pass by my refrigerator or when I see the french fries on my daughters plate across the table.  I don't want that nearly as much as I want my future!

I am not an alcoholic, but I love my food no less than an alcoholic loves his liquor.  Both things damage our lives.

I refuse to fail!